I used to pride myself on being a BMW--Burly (or Buff) Mountain Woman. I could climb fourteeners, cliff jump, rock climb, mountain bike, all those cool activites you see in commercials. I wasn't all that fast, not a huge amount of endurance, but I could hang out with the cool kids. I appreciated the challenge of placing myself in uncomfortable situations, keeping a good attitude, and finishing the course.
Not anymore. I have officially turned into a scared mommy. Ben took us on an old favorite hike last weekend to the "Lemon Squeezers" (or "Buttcracks", for us coarser types). After a mellow hike down a desert canyon wash and a moderately steep scramble uphill to the base of the caprock, we entered the shoulder-width slot and started moving inward and upward. Some areas are smooth sand, others are rocky scrambles, and some are full-on overhung bouldering problems. The first few moves were a bit more difficult than I remembered (couldn't have anything to do with my extra 20 pounds of padding accumulated since college). The kids were doing great, following directions and having fun climbing. It got darker and narrower, requiring us to take off our packs to squeeze between the rocks, then stop and pass the packs through. I have been nervous in tight places before, but never considered myself claustrophobic. Until now.
As I waited in one particularly tight spot, fearing for the safety of my kiddos, I literally felt the mass of the cliffs pressing me and starting with, "Oh, I don't feel so good..." proceeded to have a full-on claustrophobic panic attack, complete with crying and shaking. After I stopped, the kids reassured me, "Its OK, Mommy!", and Nathaniel reminded me, "Mommy, remember, Jesus is everywhere around you!", which at first made me think "aww, how cute" but then was quite reassuring.
This panic attack was first for me, and a bit embarassing. But, strangely relieving, as though the safety valve on my boiling emotions was let off, and I could now proceed to cope with the rest of the hike. Which I'll spare the details of, except to say there was one more scary part and one more episode of Mommy freaking out.
So, I'm wondering, where did my nerve go? And will it ever come back? Does it have to do with being a mother bear and trying to protect my kids? Or maybe it's all the trauma and accidents I see and hear about in the ER--I've become too good at imagining worst case scenarios. So perhaps we'll tone down the adventures a bit until I figure out how to cope. Or maybe I'll just have to figure out how to cope. :-)
BTW, the kids don't appear scarred at all: Nathaniel said the hiking and climbing was the best day of his life, and Abby has been practicing climbing on the swing set, saying, "I'm a rock climber!"
